Ok...so I've been gone a long time and no I am not dead.  Though sometimes over the past few weeks I wish I was.  I haven't been on because I've been sick three times in the past month.  First I had a round of migraines....again. Then, I had this really weird tonsil infection that made it difficult to eat and breathe.  Finally, I had the flu this past week. So now I am feeling a little bit better though still congested, but able to get off the couch. 

I am sooo excited because I only have a couple more days of class left and then graduation.  I can't believe that I'm almost done with college.  Im starting to think about Grad school but I think I want to take a year off first.  Not to mention I dont know where I want to go. I know I want to do my classes online which limits it a bit.  I wanted to go to Carnegi-Mellan which is like an uber good computer science school. Unfortunately you need three years real-world computer working skills and I only have a year and a half. Oh well, could be worse. If I take the next year and a half off of school like I want, then I will have my experience. Anyways...so thats whats bein goin on ....school and sick...fun huh?

So I've been feeling like crap the past couple of days. I've had this freakin migraine and it kept getting worse cause of all the noise coming from the trucks and workers building the new houses in the area. I'm finally starting to feel better today. Hopefully I will be ok to go to work tomorrow. At least I had a good excuse to lay on the couch all day watching tv and napping with my puppy, Neptune.

Today I get to go and sit in school and be bored. I just keep telling myself that there are only five more weeks of class until the end of the semester. I don't know what I am going to do then because I have never been out of school. I want to eventually get my masters, but Brian and I need to save up some money first because its so damn expensive.

The good news is that we survived the massive rains we had out here last night and our house even stayed put and didn't turn into a giant boat!! woo woo!

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here?
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Well, I finally had the opportunity to talk to Tim. He apparently is doing well. We talked for a few minutes and just from those few minutes, I decided that I don't think I want to be friends with him anymore. Things just aren't the same anymore; they're too weird.

On a different note, I talked to Marie yesterday and she said one of her friends saw Alec so apparently his is out of jail. It is messed up that he could be involved in a fight that ended up with six people being stabbed and he just goes to jail for 3 months. I doubt that has caused him to change at all either.

"These people round here wear beaten down eyes
Sunk in smoke dried faces
They're so resigned to what their fate is
But not us (no never), no not us (no never)
We are far too young and clever"

My life is falling apart once again. I feel so alone since Tim is gone. It seems like I have no one to talk to because everyone is so busy with their own lives.

My mom is really sick right now and I'm scared. She hasn't eaten really anything in almost a week. I'm scared because we have just been able to have a semi-normal relationship in the past few months. I feel so helpless, there is nothing I can do. I went and bought her flowers today even though I barely have enough money for groceries. I don't know what to do or say to make her feel any better. I wish I could be here when she sees them but I have to go to school. college.....what a joke.

I'm just so tired, but every time I try to sleep I have these weird fucked up dreams. I've been dreaming about Tim a lot. I just miss our friendship so much. I almost stopped in to his work today because I saw his car out front. But I just couldn't bring myself to going inside because I am scared of what would happen. I am afraid that he would just tell me to fuck off and I think that would hurt even more than just dealing with all of this myself. Any suggestions as to what I should do would be greatly appreciated.